He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
