everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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