At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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