I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
