yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
