Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
