Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
that's an acceptable place to lick
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
