Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
