I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
