I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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