I wish my penis had an off switch
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
