You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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