Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
ttyl tear gas
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
