the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
