I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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