I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
