Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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