If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
