I want you more than these girls want KFC
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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