So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize