she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
