She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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