Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
