It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
