I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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