How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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