We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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