hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
