I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
