Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
