Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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