Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
