He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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