Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You are the jesus of drinking
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
