I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
