I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
