After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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