i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
