i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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