Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
3 2 1 whiskey
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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