An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
