just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This baby is an asshole
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
