you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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