The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
