shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
