How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
