also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
