im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
