Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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