Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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